What a week.
A roller coaster ride of emotions
So much of anger tightly kept under control
So much of pain swallowed
I learnt that if I can't be genuinely happy,then I have to at least learn how to numb the pain.
How sad & pathetic it must seem to many,that I have to bombard my brains with rock music in order to forget how to think.
Where there is space for thoughts in my mind,there is space for anger,doubts,fear,sadness,confusion.Once that space is filled..nothing else can get in.
This is the way I have been living my life for the past 1 month.
Non stop.
Never a day without the music.
So much so that even on a day without the actual music,my lips form the lyrics to a song fondly remembered..or even as someone else speaks,my eyes are actually seeing some kick ass guitar solo..the faint melodies echoing in my ears.
Or maybe ..in my mind?
I guess so.
Sometimes my head gets heavy from all that non stop pounding.
My eyes have been more prone to pain since I have been in front of the computer for about more than 12hrs every single day..either writing away or doing stuff on PS..or watching music videos..or searching for even MORE videos to watch..
I have gotten so used to forgetting my mealtimes..sometimes hunched over my desk furiously writing away..I rarely talk much to anyone besides people who are very close to me..the music,makes me feel lighter,higher..inspired for sure..but i doubt that I can ever be truly happy again.Slipping on a fake smile has become like a second nature to me.
I feel as if something in me has already died.
I wish I could cry for that,but there are no more tears left.
I know there are many who have been trying to contact me..
I'm sorry..like I said before ,shit happens.
I wanted to say more but this much of self reflection is already beginning to tire me out.
I guess I'm not the same as before.
So..it's back to the music for me..
A bunch of instruments that can console me like no human ever can.
This is me,Patricia