I have officially been using the computer for the past 26hrs.
I have not slept for 2 days.
I have not eaten solid food since 1pm yesterday.
I have heard hundreds of songs.
Watched YouTube videos like there was no tomorrow
Photoshopped tons of stuff.
Put some up on my Deviantart account..changed my friendster profile pics & songs,updated my MySpace,oh yeah by the way if anyone wants to add me up there..
this is my addy : myspace.com/apophenia


I updated songs in my Imeem account & added new stuff to my Photobucket account..
I put up ratings for email sellers I have done transactions with.
I chatted with Twinny.
Watched more videos.
All the while feeling the pain in my body spread and spread.
I don't know what I'm doing to myself but perhaps..
it's a sign that I'm close to a breakdown?
I month of controlling my tongue,my temper,my thoughts,my feelings,and devoting myself completely to whatever relaxes and soothes my mind..it was good.It still is good.Then why have I been feeling so strange the past couple of days?Nothing interests me much,except the music.I talk to some friends..many I rather not talk to right now..
Whatever it is..I want this discomfort to end.
I feel as if I'm silently battling within myself while acting cool with others.
I don't wanna break down.
Please..I really don't wish to talk to anyone right now..


Everywhere I turn,I hope to see a smiling face,someone who sincerely cares enough to ask me if I'm ok now..if I had anything to talk about..but no..no one did..and I realise that no one will..I'm only called upon when I'm needed as usual..so what's new?
That's why I avoid people.I avoid talking.
It's not bcoz I want to be rude..it's bcoz I am already trying to cope with stuff that may not seem much to others but is affecting me in so many bloody ways...and on top of that I have no energy to pretend to be interesting or cheerful..and it doesn't help that I am still stuck with my own crappy problems..get it?So I'm doin us a favour here by keeping a low profile..once I'm ok I will be back to normal.but I cannot act like before..I feel useless when I hear about others' problems & I can't even do a single thing to help them...I cry sometimes bcoz I am so tired of being tested..so tired of running to comfort everyone..but end of the day..there's no one to console me.
What choice do I have but to turn to the things I do best?

Yet some people choose to ridicule me..and some people get mad at me without understanding my situation..hey if you don't know about my problem,consider yourself damn lucky..that shows I don't go around whining!For those of you who have already hurt me in the past few days..over petty issues..forget about our friendship..I really don't care anymore who remains by my side and who doesn't..really doesn't make a difference because end of the day I either cry alone or die alone.
This post was not meant to hurt anyone,it's just an honest plea to please cut me some slack..I know I'm freaking 27 but that doesn't mean my heart is painproof!
It's not the first time this kinda shit's happening..but by God I know it will be the last..
Please do not ask me AFTER this post what's wrong..
It's too late.





Untitled #3 By John Frusciante From The Album 'Niandra Lades And Usually Just A T-Shirt'.

Lyrics:

A dove is a glove
That I wear in my heart
And though I like to dress smart
It doesn't have any part of the world of fashion
And you're there to put me down
And I'm sick off the frowns that follow me around
I would like the sky but there's no reason why
She'd say to this world with the nose of a girl
Turned up so loud that it rings sings the cloud
I've never been here and though you're physically here
You're pushing me away to decay like the day that I loved

There is a girl, blabbing nothing outside my window
What do I have to show
To a world that the only way to destroy
Is to die like a baby boy
I could be happy in infinity
Of the space of my eyelid
But I know I'm somewhere else
Where the words on this page
Are better than the scribling nonsense they are,
And it would be real,
And I eat my last meal
Wish that I could feel
But now I don't even know if I'm real





Ok 3 people sent me emails in Facebook asking for the lyrics of the RHCP
song I posted last night...
Ermm for the record I have yet to sleeep...it's hmm 5.30am now & raining heavily..
Was putting up some stuff on Deviantart..the people there are really so nice & supportive..
Anyways...
Just to update..my Hp is having some kinda attack..as in..it's fine for an hour,and blinks off the next 2hrs..then starts up again.
Then,my Friendster...well..it's just horrible..I can't even access my profile page,let alone my requests and inbox messages..,and my tag board in here..is not even appearing!My cousin told me that the could view it,so I dunno what's the problem on my side..everything's topsy turvy..so I guess I'm just left with Facebook,or my email..


Ok this is why I should never stay up late.
I'm starving now.
Arghhh.
Here are the lyrics..
I dunno why everytime I see it I just grin widely
Reminds me of so many people in my life..
and also reminds me once again why RHCP is close to my heart..

Gotta go now..wanna practise the Anthony dance steps in the video..
HOT i tell ya..he's HOT..
so is Johnny..
haiz..ok ok bye!!




It must have been your funny face
It must have been your love
It must have been your paper chase that
Wasn't quite enough

It must have been your tiny dance that
Made me laugh out loud
Must have been your angel dust that
Put me on your cloud

You're the reason why...
You're the reason I...

It must have been your love... oh
It must have been your love... I said
It must have been your love... In a little bit...
It must have been your love

It must have been your poppy eyes
That made me step outside
It must have been the sight of tears that
Let me know I cried

It must have been your bunny shake
It must have been your love
A lot of girls won't come around they
Treat me like a wolf

It must have been your love
It must have been your love... I said
It must have been your love... I gotta get that
It must have been your love

You're my angel baby
You're my darling
You're my star
Lo lo lo lolita
Let her see me deep in love

You're the reason why...
You're the reason I...

It must have been your love
It must have been your love... now
It must have been your love...
It must have been your love

You're my angel baby
You're my darling
You're my star
Lo lo lo lolita
Let her see me deep in love

I've stared at eyes in a crooked frown
Make more of life, just settle down
Every single little princess needs a crown
Make more of life, just settle down

For changing lines
I've got no time tonight
In these times the wind
surpasses the tide
when the wake ups hard to find
dreams make up for your life
This crazy shine it never lets you die
Going up
We become what we want
Again the moon rises up too high
And we don't need the sky



Wonder what it is that makes
the world turn slower
wonder what it is that
makes me feel so mad
everyone that talks to me
I so wish wouldn't
I wouldn't even care
except I feel so bad



why is there noone in my life?
time..
there's no time tonight
Wide...
there's no room to see wide
Time..
There's no time tonight

If you shave your head on a Saturday, you will be in perpetual debt

You shouldn't wash your hair the day before an exam.

Hair at no age must be cut at the waning of the moon,

which would prevent it growing luxuriantly.

Hair cut off should always be burned; it unlucky to throw shorn hair away;

otherwise, birds might make a nest of your hair, weaving tightly, so that you would have difficulty rising on your last day.

Choosing to cut your hair (or nails) on a particular day means the following: Cut them on Monday, you cut them for health; cut them on Tuesday, you cut them for wealth; cut them on Wednesday, you cut them for news; cut them on Thursday, a new pair of shoes; cut them on Friday, you cut them for sorrow; cut them on Saturday, see your true love tomorrow; cut them on Sunday, the devil will be with you all the week.

WTF?????

OK OK

TIME FOR SOME GOOD LUCK!!

Good Luck

Good Luck: A robin flying into the house

Good Luck: Sneezing 3 times before breakfast

Good Luck: Meeting 3 sheep

Good Luck: Looking at the new moon over your right shoulder

Good Luck: A 4-leaf clover

Good Luck: Spilling wine while proposing a toast

Good Luck: Putting a dress on inside out

Good Luck: 9 peas in a pea pod

Good Luck: Hearing crickets singing

Good Luck: Picking up a pin, Dropping a glove

Good Luck: A horseshoe, Peacock feathers

Good Luck: Cutting your hair during a storm

Good Luck: Sleeping facing south

Good Luck: White heather

Good Luck: Picking up a pencil in the street

Good Luck: Breaking clear and uncolored glass

Good Luck: Walking in the rain

Good Luck: Sleeping on un-ironed sheets

Good Luck: Avoiding cracks in the sidewalk

Good Luck: An itch on the top of your head

Good Luck: Scissors hanging an a hook

Good Luck: A ladybug on you

Good Luck: Carrying an acorn on your person will ensure good luck & longevity!

Good Luck: To find a four-leaf clover means immense good luck, so keep it safe

Good Luck: To pick up a piece of coal that has fallen in your path.

Good Luck : To have one's garments caught up by a bush or briar when out walking

is a promise of good luck, involving monetary gain.

Good Luck: New enterprises will be fortunate if begun at the time of the new moon.

Good Luck: If by chance you meet the same person twice when you are out on business. It is even luckier if you encounter him once when you are setting out and again when you are returning.

Good Luck: Dolphins swimming nearby a ship

Good Luck: A naked woman on board a boat is said to calm the seas.

Good Luck: Golfers can have a successful day on the course if they start their round with odd numbered clubs and don't use balls with numbers higher than 4

Good Luck: To set out for golfing on a rainy day

See a penny, pick it up; all day long you will have good luck.

Ok that's enough weirdness for one evening,I'm going crossed eyed!!!

Then again this seemed interesting..

So yeah last one..then I'm outta here!

Halloween Night

If you hear foot steps behind you on this night, don't look back.

It may be the dead following you.

Turning back could mean that you will soon join the dead.

Girls who carry a lamp to a spring of water on this night

can see their future husband in the reflection.

Girls who carry a broken egg in a glass to a spring of water (during the day)

can not only see their future husband by mixing some of the spring water into the glass,

but she can also see a glimpse of her future children.

An old tradition was that girls should go into a field and there scatter the

seed of hemp.

While they did so they chanted “Hempseed I sow thee Come after me and show me”.

Upon suddenly turning round,

it was declared that each girl would

see a vision of the man who would be her husband.

Bobbing for Apples -

Each member of the party is given an apple, from which a small piece has been cut, and into which a fortune written on a slip of paper has been inserted. The apples are thrown into a large tub of water and the company invited to duck their heads and retrieve an apple with their mouths. Upon doing so they draw out the slip of paper and read their fortune.

To find out of your lover is true.

select one of the letters which you have received from your sweetheart,

especially one which contains a particularly passionate and important declaration;

lay it wide open upon a table and then fold it nine times.

Pin the folds together,

place the letter in your left-hand glove,

and slip it under your pillow.

If on that night you dream of silver, gems, glass, castles or clear water,

your lover is true and his declarations are genuine;

if you dream of linen, storms, fire, wood, flowers, or he is saluting you,

he is false and has been deceiving you.

Mashed potatoes offer a method of divining who will be the first to wed.

Into the heap of mashed potatoes a ring, a three penny-bit, a button, a heart-shaped charm, a shell and a key are inserted. Then all the lights in the room are turned out,

and each guest, armed with a spoon or fork,

endeavors to find the hidden charms. The one who finds the ring win marry first;

the three penny-bit signifies wealth;

the button, bachelorhood or spinsterhood;

the heart, passionate love;

the shell, long journeys;

the key, great success and power.

The old Celtic custom was to light great bonfires on Halloween,

and after these had burned out to make a circle of the ashes of each fire.

Within this circle, and near the circumference,

each member of the various families that had helped to make a

fire would place a pebble.

If, on the next day, any stone was out of its place,

or had been damaged, it was held to be an indication that the one to

whom the stone belonged would die within twelve months.

Halloween derives its name from the fact that in the Christian calendar it occurs the day before 'All Saints' or All Hallows' Day. It was the last night of the old year according to the ancient calendar of the Celts. On that night it was said that the witches, hobgoblins, warlocks, and other evil spirits walked abroad and devoted themselves to wicked revels. But the good fairies, too, according to some folklore, made their appearance at this time, but only from the hour of dusk until midnight.

If a bat flies into a house it is a sign that ghosts are about and maybe the ghost let the bat in

If bats come out early and fly around playfully, then it is a sign of good weather to come.

If a bat flies around a house 3 times, it is a death omen.

Peel an apple from top to bottom.

The person with the longest unbroken peel would be assured the longest life.

If you threw the apple peel over your shoulder,

the initial it forms upon landing is the initial of your future mate.

When bobbing for apples,

it is believed that the first person to bite an apple would be the first to marry.

If you go to a crossroads at Halloween and listen to the wind,

you will learn all the most important things that will befall you

during the next twelve months.

A person born on Halloween can see and talk to spirits

To prevent ghosts coming into the house at Halloween, bury animal bones or a picture of an animal near the doorway.

If a girl puts a sprig of rosemary herb and a silver sixpence under her pillow on Halloween night, she will see her future husband in a dream.

In Britain, people believed that the Devil was a nut-gatherer.

At Halloween, nuts were used as magic charms.

Many people used to believe that owls swooped down to to eat the souls of the dying.

If they heard an owl hooting, they would become frightened.

A common remedy was thought to be,

turning your pockets inside out and you would be safe

Some believe if you catch a snail on Halloween night and lock it into a flat dish, in the morning you will see the first letter of your sweetheart written in the snail's slime

You should walk around your home three times backwards and counterclockwise before sunset on Halloween to ward off evil spirits

Knocking on wood keeps bad luck away

If you see a spider on Halloween,

it could be the spirit of a dead loved one who is watching you

If you ring a bell on Halloween, it will scare evil spirits away

In North America, it's bad luck if a black cat crosses your

path and good luck if a white cat crosses your path.

In Britain and Ireland, it's the opposite.

If a candle flame suddenly turns blue, there's a ghost nearby

[ 6:23 PM ]

What a week.

A roller coaster ride of emotions

So much of anger tightly kept under control

So much of pain swallowed

I learnt that if I can't be genuinely happy,then I have to at least learn how to numb the pain.

How sad & pathetic it must seem to many,that I have to bombard my brains with rock music in order to forget how to think.

Where there is space for thoughts in my mind,there is space for anger,doubts,fear,sadness,confusion.Once that space is filled..nothing else can get in.

This is the way I have been living my life for the past 1 month.

Non stop.

Never a day without the music.

So much so that even on a day without the actual music,my lips form the lyrics to a song fondly remembered..or even as someone else speaks,my eyes are actually seeing some kick ass guitar solo..the faint melodies echoing in my ears.

Or maybe ..in my mind?

I guess so.

Sometimes my head gets heavy from all that non stop pounding.

My eyes have been more prone to pain since I have been in front of the computer for about more than 12hrs every single day..either writing away or doing stuff on PS..or watching music videos..or searching for even MORE videos to watch..

I have gotten so used to forgetting my mealtimes..sometimes hunched over my desk furiously writing away..I rarely talk much to anyone besides people who are very close to me..the music,makes me feel lighter,higher..inspired for sure..but i doubt that I can ever be truly happy again.Slipping on a fake smile has become like a second nature to me.

I feel as if something in me has already died.

I wish I could cry for that,but there are no more tears left.

I know there are many who have been trying to contact me..

I'm sorry..like I said before ,shit happens.

I wanted to say more but this much of self reflection is already beginning to tire me out.

I guess I'm not the same as before.

So..it's back to the music for me..

A bunch of instruments that can console me like no human ever can.

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

[ 4:17 AM ]

Yawn.

So freakin sleepy but for some reason still up

Celebrated my mum's 53rd birthday last night..

The whole family ..well at least those in S'pore,that is..was present!

Cool yeah?

Anyways poor Glash & Jaryl were ill..

Well at least Jaryl was not too bad..Glash was completely flattened.

She spent most of the time resting in my dark bedroom,with me beside her..

Only came out for the cake cutting..

Poor girl!

In fact we were out together the day before & she was just perfectly fine!

The weather is so horrible..I can't find words to describe how damn suffocating it feels!

Ok actually I could but I think..I'm too sleepy..

Have been typing the wrong words for every single line..

Gonna crash now..catch ya guys later in the day!

Sunday, June 15, 2008

[ 8:55 PM ]

Alot of things happened today

Lets just say I wasn't feeling very good

Rested but not much..and just went about like a robot

Everything went on as per normal for most of the day

Till as usual there had to be some problem

And I was minding my own business

Till I was called out to the living room

& was asked my opinion on certain decisions

Well..I was a bit puzzled so I asked back why

such decisions were being made coz in my opinion

it wasn't such a good idea.

Then..somehow the other party suddenly got irritated and started raising her voice

I was already tense & irritated.

I just said look,don't come and dicuss with me if this is the way you are gonna raise your voice...and turned back to walk off..well..it didn't stop there.

I had a string of verbal abuse flung after me

I couldn't take it.

Just walked back to my room & started weeping.

I am so tired of being misunderstood.

There's no point fighting back coz everything I say is always misunderstood.

I end up being the baddie.

I have always hated people raising their voices at me.

Even when I used to work in the customer service line..and there was some VIP yelling,I'd stop the person and say in very polite tones that I could only understand what they were saying if they would lower their volume.

So at home..

I find myself unable to defend myself.

Coz there is no support.

Even though the fault is with someone else,others keep silent & hiss at me to be silent too.

I'm so sick of all this.

I haven't even eaten anything the whole damn day & I have no energy to come back with smart ass replies.

Well it's barely 9pm but I guess I'm turning in to bed.

Wanted to watch Incredible Tales at 10pm..but forget it.

My life itself is an incredible tale.

[ 4:41 PM ]

I call this little thing of mine, Devil's Darling

Bass thumping
Heart pounding

The gentle caress
Stirring forgotten desires
Gently pulling heart strings
Bringing the shadow of a smile
On a sad face

The gentle sounds venture further
A little harder
Demanding entry
Chain of memories start unravelling
Eyes closed shut
Unwilling

Bass Heart
Heart Bass
Bass Heart
Heart Heart
Heart Heart

Gone is the gentle persuasion
Enter the sharp spine tingler
Flames of ice licking across warm skin
Shivers as the sound becomes a gentle whimper
Rising into a silent scream
Releasing Pandora's box
Mind set free,Runs wild
Heart unlocked,Starts craving
Invisible fingers reach into mind's depths
Pulling out the pain,numbing the reasons

Bass
Slowly
Bass
Slowly
Bass
Slowly

Now trapped
There's no turning back
The tormentor sweetly teases
Eyes close tighter
Not willing to end this perfect vision
Fragile symphony
Rising into a high crescendo
Tears escape clenched eyes
Bittersweet tears join the celestial wailing

Eyes fly open
Hands reach out to hold on
Emptiness
Darkness
The magic fades away

Just me
Left with the sound of my heart pounding in my ears
The last echoes of bass gently dying
Cheeks moist with half dried tears
Sleep embraces me with open arms
His guitar...

This is what my horoscope says for today..



I'm pleasantly surprised..coz that's exactly how I have been feeling for the past 24hrs..hmm


I'm gonna miss Latsy
It feels like ages since I heard her voice
Oh wait...
Actually it HAS been ages..
It's just not the same communicating via sms all the time
Doesn't feel real..
I'm trying to recall the last time that we actually shared a joke together.
The thing is..it's been so long that I can't even remember when our last conversation was..
Anyways if you are reading this post my dear Twinny..
I know you're gonna be away for just a few days but it's gonna seem like an eternity
& don't you dare think that no one cares,coz I do ok!!!
No matter what happens,you'll do just fine.

Listening to Glash as I type this..
Yakking away some gibberish about the Jonas Brothers or something
*shrugs*
We all have our own personal heroes I guess..
Just like my Frusciante obsession..hahaha..
Sanjit commented that the name Frusciante reminds him of some tuna thingy at Delifrance.
Yummy.
I don't mind..I luuurrvvveeee tuna
Speaking of which I have to start planning for mummy's birthday celebration on the 17th..
I have some great finger food ideas & maybe it would be best to try them out on my family members first..hehehe..watch out Glash!!!
I have yet to get mummy anything..well I always end up getting her presents late coz that's the only way I can keep it out of her sight..I have loads of gift ideas in my mind but knowing that she is a practical person I have to make sure that I get her something essential.
Hmmmm.
The job hunting is still on & at the same time contemplating about furthering my studies..I mean it seems to be the perfect time now..just need to ponder on it a little while more..
Gonna have my shower now,heading out with the mumster later..
Oooohh talking about shower..I just remembered reading about this factory fire in Woodlands & apparently the drains & canals @ Sungei Sembawang have been polluted because some of the contaminated fire-fighting water have been discharged into them..and these are the canals that lead to the beach..that's Sembawang Park ok..so for those of you who like to hang out there please try to avoid the waters..
On the other hand I do know of a certain person who frequents that area...and all I wanna say to her is..go on..take a dip!!It might do wonders for your face!
Then again..you might just ADD to the pollution.

Oh patricia..touche!