I went to bed at 8.30pm last night after my very depressing blog entry
I know I had smses & incoming calls but I was waaay too tired to fumble for the hp in the dark
Woke up bright and alert at 2am.
Since then been aimlessly wandering about the house,doing menial chores..
Watched Fright Night on HBO..
damn..those cheesy vampire movies of the 80s
hahhahaa..
Scrubbing my face and moisturizing THEN absent mindedly washing it AGAIN
argh!
Felt like the big guy up there in heaven was actually laughing at me when I did that.
Just like the time my friend bought me a can of Pepsi..
Thinking of God-knows-what..I absent mindedly pulled off the metal tab,walked to the rubbish bin,and coolly threw the whole can of Pepsi away..and stood there with just the metal tab on my finger...and went like..," Ermmmmmmm.."
I will never forget the expression on my pal's face.
Hahaa so yeah..
I wish I could just keep up this goofy outlook for the rest of today
I seriously toyed with the idea of visiting a shrink..
That's how preoccupied my mind has been lately.
Not to mention..the sudden repulsion towards food,the changes in sleeping pattern,and honestly just a general lack of interest in anything.
I feel like I have lost my spark,my fighting spirit.
I feel so utterly defeated
At this point of time I really would wanna mention in this post about someone special who has been hearing me out,and being frank in her opinions,no matter how hurtful they may sound..
my dear Twinny..I hate to be whining to you all the time..but seriously you're the only one who sorta knows what I'm going thru right now..I can't talk to anyone else but you..honestly I am lucky that I am still standing strong now,coz if not for you,I would have withered from the magnitude of the sudden isolation thrust upon me.
I have been strong before,but now..I don't want to be strong.If I'm strong..someone's gonna make me fall again and it's just too painful to keep trying again and again..I've been seriously doing that all the while..punishing myself for the mistakes others made..blaming myself.This time..I don't wanna push myself forward..I'm just so so so tired of all the hoping & waiting.
Twinny,all the same,thank you.
It means alot to me,to have someone to talk to.
The reason why I'm avoiding most of my friends,is bcoz no one knows what I'm going thru,and I don't wish to keep repeating my story,it just plain hurts..at the same time it's not easy for me to look at them so happy & cheerful and try to play act along.
With you I don't have to act & I can just be myself.
Though we are many years apart,I have never felt the age gap at all..there are many who only see your faults but fail to realize your strengths & perseverance..I want you to know that you are not only beautiful on the outside,your pure gold on the inside.In you,I find a likeness of myself,and I see the inner child in you as I do in myself.Yet,we are often misunderstood by others.
Thank you for coming into my life..I have lost alot..I pray that I will never lose such a good friend in my life,and I want you to know that no matter what happens,I will always be around for you..I will never say this to others again,but to you,I will.
Au Revoir
This is me,Patricia