One..two..three..four..
Ready to start a new hour..
Seize the day they say but I feel too sluggish
Was up early on account of having slept around 10.30pm last night
Was chatting with Glash on my bed on the cordless & making plans for
our shopping trip on Friday..seriously ANYTHING to just get our minds off the unbelievably crappy time we've been having.. Glash was supposed to return a call to one of her pals and told me she'd call me soon..Warned her I might doze off..since I was feeling a tad drained..all I remember is sending a good night sms to Sanjit then ..thats it..the next I opened my eyes was around 2am..I glanced at my hp saw some missed calls,some new smses..and fell asleep again.. after which had strange dreams..really totally stupid dreams..which made me wake up at 5am again..I then thought..hell a few minutes more..it's been ages since I had proper sleep anyways..hence it came to be that I finally woke up at 6.45am feeling sore & a little bit angry.
Why?
Hahaha coz I am the type of person who feels very fresh & alert if I could have 5-6hours of sleep ..but if I were to sleep any longer than that..I wake up feeling tired..why?I dunno
It's always been like that.
So the moment I got up I started thinking about him & remembered certain stuff and that just made me more pissed..I dunno I dunno ...one day I'm all glowy and sunshiney and the next I'm all fked up...
Started replying to smses..sori Glasssssshhhhhh didn't reply you back coz I know u'd be asleep..
Was msging Koko and she was..well in her own words,rotting at work..doing night shift & bored as hell coz she was on standby duty..I miss her la..its been some time since I met her and had a good chat..she then asked about how certain stuff were going on in my life..and was curious to know if I had lost anymore weight..
well informed her that the diet was going on smoothly..some minor hiccups here and there but overall pretty good..but the other stuff in my life..as in r/ship wise..was on the rocks.She was surprised..I was kinda surprised at myself too coz usually I try not to talk so much about it..and not in such negative terms anyways..but I guess I had to start saying it out more often..in order to deal with it..
K: why da what happen?Aren't you guys making an effort to work things out?
P: there's nothing more to make an effort on.his mind is made up
K:then don't bother gal.make ur heart hard.u will be fine eventually.thank God it wasn't anything more..
P:I duno da..I can't seem to..not now..not for this thing..I have poured my heart out & voiced my thoughts..but I guess he's too hurt & has given up hope on me..us.let's not talk abt this dear..I think I'm gonna cry...
K:Hmmph.Men!!!
P:Yeah,men.Only a miracle can help me now..its too soon for me to move on..
K:Whatever it is..rembr that when God takes away something,he will replace it..won't leave it empty.
P:...................
K:I can see that you really want this.Hope the best happens 4 u da...
Thanks gal..I know what you mean but..
damn bloody hell..why can't I just bloody hell move on!!!
what the hell is wrong with me!!
why am I so obstinate!!
why am I still clinging on to hopes & dreams that will never be fulifilled!!
why am I still defending you even as you're breaking me?
why...
why...
why...
I want my old strength back,my old never say die attitude back..
Yet it seems that everything good I had seem to have packed up & left together with YOU!!
Is it possible to hate someone so bad & love him fiercely at the same time?
Why am I so wrecked up with emotions when I'm not a loved one to him anymore!!!
Damn you!!
Morning Glory darlings..
Slept early and woke up fresh this morning
Been up and doing chores since then
Just relaxing and sipping chilled guava juice..2 hrs to go before I head out again
Sometimes I think too much..
but actually I don't know why people think that is actually bad?
Thinking is good and bad..
It depends doesn't it?
If you have bad thoughts all the time then well..you need help.
Wanna know what goes thru my mind most of the time?
=)
Well..how shall I put it..
My mind is rarely blank
Rarely.
Even when I'm told to empty my mind..
It turns into this blackboard & there's a chalk that writes..
CLEAR UR MIND CLEAR UR MIND CLEAR UR MIND
HEY LOOK AT MEEEE!!
hahaha..and that's just a simple explanation
Most of the time..
I think about people..and what THEY could be thinking
I think about loved ones..and wonder what makes us click
I think about enemies..and wonder how it's all gonna be
I think alot about music..guitars..musicians..
When I think of music..
I think of my favourite guitar tunes
Which then make me think of..
Bright bright blue skies
Explosions of beautiful colours
Flowing silvers of rapid waters
Beauty
The beauty of an angelic face?
Maybe so
The beauty in the scars of a man,
a survivor of battles..
where each scar tells a story?
The beauty of a new born child
The beauty of a sinner repented
The miracle of love
Sigh..
Even as there is a bittersweet tinge in my heart
Even as I bow my head down,and clasp a hand to the frenzied beating of my heart
Even as I know..that at this very moment..I'm probably not on his mind,as he is in mine..
It does not stop me from dreaming about him
Is there any place in this world..
For people like me?
In this world that is rapidly blackening..
Man abuses Mother Earth..Mother Earth retaliates..
I dream because the world is not as beautiful when I open my eyes..
Why would I wanna look at something that only makes me wanna cry?
Then again..
I think of people that make me cry.
You may laugh at me..
The laughter that rings out and echoes hollowly
I would smile back at you..
The smile that blossoms from the heart of my hearts
How simple is it really?
How complicated is it really?
Am I making any sense?
Does it really matter?
Your education earns you big bucks & respect
Does it answer the deepest questions in your innermost being?
Does it satisfy..your soul?
See..
Just in this post..just in this past 3 minutes..
These are the random thoughts filtering in and out of my mind..
The mind is a beautiful thing..
Allow it to roam free & explore
Capture the essence of whatever makes you smile
We need that so bad.
Now as I listen to Desecration Smile
and sip on my not so chilled juice *yuck*
I'm thinking of Frusciante's eyes..
The sparkle that connects man to guitar
and yes..I can tell you that at the moment..
Screw my broken heart..
Screw the ankle pain..
Screw my sadness..
At the moment..
I'm alive &
the aura around me is glowing..shining..shimmering..
my soul is smiling.
Have a good day ahead loves.
Come up to meet you, tell you I'm sorry
You don't know how lovely you are
I had to find you
Tell you I need you
Tell you I've set you apart
Tell me your secrets
And ask me your questions
oh, let's go back to the start
Running in circles
Comet tails
Heads on the science apart
Nobody said it was easy
It's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard
Oh take me back to the start
I was just guessing
At numbers and figures
Pulling your puzzles apart
Questions of science
Science and progress
Do not speak as loud as my heart
Come tell me you love me
Come back and haunt me
All in a rush to the start
Running in circles
Chasing our tails
Comin' back as we are
Nobody said it was easy
Oh, it's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be so hard
I’m going back to the start...
Coldplay- The Scientist
Been meaning to blog the past coupla days but was too busy
Well..now that I'm finally here..
I sorta can't really remember what I wanted to say??
Had a pretty lame weekend..busy busy busy..
Was hanging on the line with Glash for freaking 8 hours last Saturday!!
Oh man.
Hahaha both of us were pretty much mood out that day..
Needless to say tensions were high & tempers were on the verge of flaring up
Thankfully things didn't go that far
I guess the reason why we still continued the strange conversation..was coz we just needed someone to be there..I mean..that was what I felt at that time I guess
Sunday was even worse..
I woke up feeling very disturbed..
I had a slightly unpleasant experience in the middle of the night
and for the life of me,
could not remember if it really happened or if it was just some nasty nightmare..
At the same time I felt really down & lonely & oh damn
I dunno
I spend the whole week keeping myself busy & I even manage to convince myself at times that I'm not down..then wham! comes the weekend and suddenly I have all sorts of longings,hopes,memories and then finally the ultimate sense of nothingness.
Which led to a solitary tear running down my cheek even before I had got out of bed.
Admonishing myself I angrily wiped away the tear and got out of bed before I really started crying!!
arrrggghh
I'm sorry people..I have not been answering many calls/smses lately either because my hp is screwed up sometimes/im just too busy/im just too emo to talk/reply
So please forgive me..
I do try my best to at least reply to smses..
but do not take it personally if I'm not available to talk..
I just need some time alone I guess..
I do try to be there for you guys as much as I can ..
sometimes though I just can't take it..
I'm seriously happy if anyone of you guys are having a good time,
or I dunno la..just having fun n all..
but I'm just not in the mood to listen to happy tales..
pardon me for being so frank..
just that I have been acting and acting and acting for so freaking long..
trying to joke trying to laugh trying to share the enthusiasm with friends and all..
but please..TIME OUT..
coz i'm also thinking of my own problems 24/7..
and I can't handle more situations..not now anyways..
I don't wanna seem cold or anything..
Just that sometimes I act so much in front of everyone,
and it's only when the lights have gone out that the tears start falling
I can't possibly explain to anyone much about my situation,
Coz I already KNOW what's the kinda advice I'm gonna get..
and seriously..I've dished out that kinda advice to others before
and now I know that it's easier said than done..
I rather not hear them again.
I feel angry & ashamed of myself at times..
Angry coz I am still thinking & hoping & wishing
Ashamed when I think..
OMG what have I become?
I have always been happy go lucky & took everything with a pinch of salt.
Now thanks to him,
I don't feel as if I could sincerely feel happy again
Yeah yeah roll your eyes..
Go tsk tsk at me..
I don't care
I know how much of trust & faith I kept in this thing..
after a long time..
Now I am left with nothing
Why do I still wanna feel bad when the other party
has already made it crystal clear that he has no more faith in this..
and whatever reasons he gives..
I know ultimately all he is saying is
"NO"
May seems to be passing by in a flash..
Wow..the mid year holidays are here already
The Great Singapore Sale has kicked off..
Maybe a touch of retail therapy would do wonders for me
Yeah yeah who am I kidding..
These days no mood to go shopping too =(
Well I really do not know what I have been doing..
I feel as if I'm taking up unnecessary space on Earth
Twinny is down & unwell again
No thanks to some people who repeatedly keep hurting her
Glash seems to be down as well..that's what I could gather from her tone of voice last evening
We still have not had the chance to talk coz I crashed early yesterday
Really feeling extremely drained these days..
OMG..
wtf is up with the weather!
I know its May..and June is just around the corner..but...
this heatwave is MADNESS I tell ya!!
I think I gulped down like 4 bottles of mineral water yesterday
Which is rather ALOT for me..
And whatever I drink..I just seem to perspire out easily!
I really pity those who have to go about their daily jobs outdoors.
On a much more personal note..
Well we finally sort of spoke
Somehow I guess we were just tired of being so hostile
On my side I just had no choice but to let you know what's exactly running thru my mind
I guess this is what happens when we do not speak out at the right time & bottle up our emotions for too long.
Way too long.
I know what you're going thru..and I never said it's your fault
So I just wish you'd stop blaming yourself.
I know that .. there is nothing I can do to convince you..but I hope
you understand that what I told you that day was sincerely from the bottom of my heart..
Times have been bad and for me..it's just worse coz you're not around
Nothing more for me to say..
I'm glad I had the chance to say what I really think/feel..
It's left me feeling lighter & calmer
The rest..is totally in your hands..
By the way I dunno what happened to my hit counter !
Arrrghh it shows just 1 hit!!
where's my 4 figure mass appeal!!!
Looks like I have to reset it.
Oh well..Twinny just came online..
Laterzzz
It's harder than I imagined it would be
After all..have I not endured greater trials than these & stood up victorious?
Now I'm 27..definitely I'm stronger than before..right?
Apparently not.
I never thought that a small argument would blow into such a huge matter
I know there were things I never should have said in the first place but
Have you stopped to think..why I would have ever said them in the first place?
You used to.
You were always the calmer,logical one between us.
In a way..it was your total calmness that drove me mad at times.
Your lack of reaction..made me wanna do something,anything just to get you to talk
Even then,I felt guilty
This time you were not prepared to accept my apology
The coldness that you showed to the world,this time you showed to me
It hurt..it hurt like hell but somehow I just thought it would just pass us by
After all..we been through so much..this was nothing
We spoke..but like friends.
Cool..and with an edge of underlying tension
I was never forgiven.
It killed me.
The loneliness drove me almost insane
With no one to share my burden,I spent the weeks in pure frustration
I tried not to tell you that I missed you..
I tried not to tell you that with you gone,I have forgotten what it's like to dream & hope
It's been months now..
I feel your loathing towards me
It killed me to know that someone who once cared so much about me
Could suddenly not care at all
There were more problems.More fights.More volatile words hurled.
To think that all the times of happiness could be overshadowed by a small incident
I feel pain,pain so much pain because it's so unfair
Everything I did,I did it for us
I can't cry anymore it hurts that bad
I really can't bear to listen to everyone else's words of comfort
All I want is at least a shadow of your old self back
Why do you not see,that you have completely gone into the darkness now?
Please..please think carefully
This is not who you are.
Facetious and abstemious are the only words that contain all the vowels in the correct order.
"Adcomsubordcomphibspac" is the longest acronym. It is a Navy term standing for Administrative Command, Amphibious Forces, Pacific Fleet Subordinate Command.
"Almost" is the longest commonly used word in the English language with all the letters in alphabetical order.
"Billie Jean" by Michael Jackson was the first video to air on MTV by a black artist.
"Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".
"Happy Birthday" was the first song to be performed in outer space, sung by the Apollo IX astronauts on March 8, 1969.
"The sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick" is said to be the toughest tongue twister in English.
"Ough" can be pronounced in eight different ways. The following sentence contains them all: "A rough-coated, dough-faced ploughman strode through the streets of Scarborough, coughing and hiccoughing thoughtfully.
111, 111, 111 X 111, 111, 111 = 12, 345, 678, 987, 654, 321
A 17 year old girl from Miami, Florida started to sneeze on 4th January'66 ant continued till 8th June'66.
A cluster of bananas is called a hand and consists of 10 to 20 bananas, which are known as fingers.
A cockroach can live nine days without its head before it starves to death.
A cockroaches favorite food is the glue on the back of stamps.
A fish's memory span is 3 seconds.
A cucumber is 96% water.
99% of the pumpkins sold in the US end up as jack-o-lanterns.
40% of McDonald's profits come from the sales of Happy Meals.
23% of all photocopier faults worldwide are caused by people sitting on them and photocopying their buttocks.
What's the next best thing to having a baby sister of your own?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Having a baby COUSIN sister of your own la!!
hahahaha..
Had loads of fun at Glash's place yesterday
We were celebrating my uncle's birthday in advance
since it's the eve of Vesak Day..
Somehow no matter how much time we spend over at her place..
We always end up parting ways by sighing..
IN RELIEF..
hahaha ok ok no just kidding
Sighing coz time just passes by so fast when we have fun!
We never have enough time to do all the stuff that we usually wanna
Oh well..
Mum isn't as active as she used to be these days
She seems to get easily tired & often just seems to wanna go to bed
Well..I guess the recent bouts of sudden sickness
has really been taking its toll on her,overall
I wish my mum didn't have to work so hard
I feel so useless at times,
all these dark moments aren't helping me at all too
I didn't ask for anything much,
I cherished what I recieved unexpected
Now,just as suddenly,I have lost that joy
No words can ever describe my pain
No words of comfort can erase the tears that have flown
Not just from my eyes,but from my very heart.
Thinking about it now,I know that I will laugh & be happy,
Coz I deserve to smile too.
Yet..deep inside of me..
I know I'm just living for the sake of maybe another chance
Maybe just at least to be able to talk it all out for once
To know where I went wrong
Even a criminal condemned to death gets a final chance to repent & reconcile with God before he's hanged.
I guess,I'm seen as an even lower being.
That's why I have to endure this mental torture every single day.
Even as I talk,even as I tease,even as I argue
The only thing in my mind whenever I see your face or hear your voice is
WHY?
7AM and here I am..still wide awake & yakking away..
What a screwed up meaningless life
I better get going..the more I think about.....stuff..
the more my heart..no no..my head...no no..
actually my very SOUL seems to hurt.
ARGHHHH OK I KNOW ENOUGH RIGHT!!
CHILL I'M DONE WITH WHINING FOR NOW
Glash one day you should just crash over at my place..
We can totally have the house to ourselves..
we'll just chase the oldies out to work hahaha!
Don't worry I'll get Latsy to come & cook for us..
She's an expert at boiling water
HAPPY VESAK DAY Y'ALL!!
I have been up since 2am last night doing random stuff..
Well its 1pm now so that means I have been on the computer for the past 11hrs!
As usual feeling the blues,but lets not discuss that..
I have given up on myself.
Anyways..just when I thot all my fave songs were only good for reducing me to tears..
I sort of went back to my roots..
To the guys who always used to make me dream.
Their music never failed to make me forget myself..
and drift to another space,another place
Who else but Anthony,John,Chad & Flea..the fantastic RHCP
Omg..who'd have thought my obsession with them would last erm..
what the past 16yrs??
Since I was 11 or 12..
So been spending the past 4-5hrs listening to ,and watching nothing else but the fantastic funky rocksters..and of course the solo instrumentals of the God-like John Frusciante..
I never realised all these years..that several of their songs actually touched on the topic of drugs..why,even Under The Bridge..which I have been happily singing since I was a 12 yr old..is about drugs..I guess you only notice the grim side of words when you're really down and out yourself..talking about DRUGSSSS..ahem ahem..im referring to someone here,and she knows who she is..I never ever bothered to check out the lyrics for Under The Bridge..coz c'mon its such an easy song..we just generally sing or yell or hum with it..and replace the words we don't know with something that sounds right..but somehow after reading the real lyrics..and watching the video at the same time..I feel that the song is not just a great rock anthem..there's a very strong message in it....well if you read carefully you'd realise what Anthony's singing about..
Well..that made me think of the REAL issues out there in the world..
and not just our own petty issues
There are alot of people who actually need to be saved..
No no no ..I'm not talking abt religions and all that..
DRUGS
Drugs give temporary happiness,permanent sorrows
Those who are lucky to be saved,
need all the love & respect they can get & not be rejected.
That would only send them back to the dark,
addictive clutches of the drugworld
Arghhh I have been sooo soooo SICK!
I dunno what happened but yesterday morning I suddenly felt extremely drowsy
This was like around 6.30am..yeah even though I went to bed the night before & woke up at 2am..I dunno what happened to me..I told mummy that I'd be resting for a while..and I had simply no energy at all!
I woke up suddenly at 8am to find the house empty..sigh..as usual..and lay down for a while and contemplated if I should get up or just close my eyes and continue taking my well deserved rest..well..as usual,I could not do the latter knowing that I was all alone at home so I dragged myself out of bed..and it was only when I stood up that I realised the room was spinning around me..If I wasn't steady on my feet I'd have gone down crashing!
I somehow wobbled along to the kitchen coz my mouth felt dry and I felt waves of nausea wash over me.Damn damn damn damn..I was planning to have some breakfast but seriously all I wanted to do at that moment was crash back into bed..as usual at these times I always find myself alone at home!!!
I dunno how long I lay down in that position..felt so alone & miserable started smsing sanjit and whining away..as I expected,he gave me a sound earful for not taking proper care of my health in the first place..then I feebly mentioned that perhaps it had something to do with the ice cold milk I gulped down at 4am after wolfing down some grapes & a pear..he was like "WHAAAAT???aiiiiyoooo no wonder la!!how can your food digest like that?!!MILKKK?!!"
I sorta felt like an airhead coz I didn't get it..yeah I knew that what I was feeling was indeed the intense effects of indigestion,but I thought milk was good for me...yes or no??
Arrghh..when did they change the rules!!
So after another nice dose of well meaning lecture,he told me to try to eat something soupy..or something like that..I couldn't recall..I was just glad that I had another human being to hear my sorrows..then I hung up..and he called again to advise me on what to eat..and so I pushed myself up & tried to eat something light ..praying that the uneasiness would just fade away...I didn't wanna puke...arghh no no no!!Well..ended up that the moment I finished my food,the bouts of nausea came back.I armed myself with a plastic bag & lay down almost in tears.I know la I'm a real idiot but I hate to puke ok..and I was sad that I was alone..slowly the moment came..I knew that whatever was supposed to come out was gonna come out..and this was it..I composed myself,wiped my tears away..and held out the plastic bag just in time.
I puked..and puked ..and puked like there was no tomorrow.I was amazed coz I didn't even eat much in the first place so what the hell!!
Well..I was pretty much relieved after that.I was calmer and I felt better but alot weaker.I washed up & sipped some hot water then went back to lie down.I smsed sanjit and Glash called me & I told her I wasn't well,so there went our movie date..thanks for being so understanding gal.. well,then slept...slept ..slept..and didnt wake up till evening!
Even then was still having that very sickly feeling..heavy head,swollen eyelids,and slight temperature..arrrghhh...
HORRIBLE HORRIBLE HORRIBLE DAY!!!
I'm glad that ordeal was over.
I still do feel a tad queasy now..but it's gonna be sometime before I take too kindly to cold milk again..
damn.
Was too sleepy to update yesterday..yeah on account of having had barely 2 hours of sleep the night before!Sunday night,just as I was on the way home from Eve's place , I had a surprise message from Ravin,a friend whom I got to know on the net last year..It was a pleasant surprise indeed coz it had been ages since we been in touch..and ever since I changed my hp,I lost track of several contacts..well was replying to his smses all the way in the bus till I got home & later he called me around 2am..haha..and he told me so many ghost stories arrrghh..till I didn't dare to stand at my usual open window spot in the kitchen..we spoke till about 4am then I really had to go to bed..but in the morning when I opened my eyes the first thing I remembered were the scary tales I heard from our last conversation,plus the wonderful visuals in my mind from reading other horror stories earlier in the week..coupled with the fact that there was no one at home..I jumped right out of bed!!
Hahahaha..was drowsy the whole day & been feeling really low of late.My hp too has been behaving weirdly recently..switching on & off on its own accord,and once it does that,I'm unable to open new messages or send outgoing ones..I can't describe the amount of irritation I had..and still have..over this seemingly trivial issue.Sigh.The same old feeling of helplessness keeps coming back to haunt me no matter how much I try to make believe that I'm super fine.I guess coz I'm already so tensed inside,little issues like this hp matter cause me to flare up easily.After a very early & light dinner,I turned in around 9pm.Fatigue made me fall asleep almost instantly even though the living room was pretty noisy.
Woke up around 2am..and been awake since then.As I lay there in the dark listening to the silence in my house,I felt truly alone.What kind of a person am I?I retreat when there is activity in the house,and emerge when all have gone to bed.I tried to ignore the tight knot in my throat..I was not gonna cry!Got out of bed & walked to the living room like a zombie. Felt kinda hungry but resisted the temptation to snack on something sweet & went for some grapes instead..came online and saw that Daniel was in here so had some company..sent him some songs & was listening to some acoustic guitar tracks on YouTube.. still hungry so drank some milk haha now I'm fine.
I dunno how the rest of the day is gonna turn out..I do feel a little sleepy now that I have drank the milk..perhaps I ought to catch up on more sleep..after all I barely had sufficient rest again..listening to my good pals,Red Hot Chili Peppers..no matter how much I love the other bands,nothing brings me back to my teenage years like RHCP.Just looking at John Frusciante play his guitar brings a little happiness to my heart for now..and honestly..isn't that what we all need at times??
Just a little happiness..so little to ask for yet so hard to recieve.
IT'S MOTHER'S DAY!!
Happy Mother's Day to all the mummies out there!!!
You ladies rock!!!
Happy Birthday Aunty Shirley!!!!
Happy Birthday Twinny Latsy!!!!
You ladies SUPER rock!!!
Had so much fun last night at Glash's place..
Even Jaryl's best buddies popped in for the celebration
Glash & I spent some quality ''NUTELLA'' time together in private..
until we were rudely interrupted!!
Hahaha come to think of it,I guess it was a good thing we were interrupted..
Or else we would have sat on the floor of Glash's study room happily licking our spoons clean of the liquid gold..hahhahaaha..
Glash & I plan to meet up on Tuesday..perhaps for a movie or something..
Hopefully that plan works out..
Oh man..I'm so tired..
Alot of stuff has been happening..
I've just not been mentioning much coz I've been tryin to ignore the emotions that keep threatening to overcome me..
It's perfectly futile to wait for someone who will never ever come back to your life again..right?
Yet,somehow we keep praying,hoping..
I feel so foolish..yet I can't seem to be able to let go.
It has just started raining super heavily..
Suddenly I feel like breaking into tears but I'm controlling myself..
Coz in the end..
Even when I cry
I am all alone.
The only thing that soothes my mind & heart these days are the soothing strains of the guitar
Been calming my soul by listening to some great rock instrumentals
I happen to be stuck on this Incubus song lately..
"11am"..it just speaks to me.
Arghh my head hurts now..
Look at the freaking time
I'm gonna get some shut eye..
Feel like going low profile for a while
Talking to certain people & realizing that my feelings don't matter to them..
really hurts..
Yet I do not have the freedom to speak.
If I hear the sentence..
"What do you want exactly,Pat?"
one more time...
I'm just gonna freaking breakdown!
Au Revoir
Been feeling rather uneasy & queasy of late..
mood swings,irrational feelings of extreme isolation..
Don't ask..it's a woman thing..
I THINK!
hahaha anyways came across this site while I was browsing thru
for some low blood pressure relief tips..called "The Doctors Book of Home Remedies II"
Refer to the left hand side of the page for the various ailments.
Be sure to save this link ..it may come in handy!
Oh and since it's titled as a Part 2 I guess there is a Part 1 too..
Arghh too lazy to check that out!
So ..this Sunday is a very,very,very special day
May 11th is Mothers' Day!
What have you people gotten your mumsies eh?
Over here I guess I'm gonna have to do a last minute dash to the shops again..
It happens every year..
I'm so busy thinking about what to get my aunts that I forget my own mum!
She can't blame me though..
I inherited this characteristic from her!
May 11th is special bcoz it also happens to be the birthdays
of two very special people in my life..
One is my dear Aunty Shirley,
the only elder person in my family that I can really
talk my heart out to & trust completely
I look up to her alot & really consider her as an inspiration in my life
Another is my dear Latsy aka Twinny!!
A person that I got to know late in my life,
but now she's one of the people I simply
HAVE to communicate with every single day!
So just imagine..
2 very special people in my life,
same birthday,similiar characteristics,
both insanely gorgeous,both equally angelic
Am I lucky or what?!!
Maybe its the Virgo+Taurus combi hehehe
So anyways..will be heading over to Glash's place tomorrow
We'll be having a pre-birthday party celebration for Aunty Shirley,
since Sunday is just too inconvenient for everyone..
Well..so that's my plan for tomorrow,
the girls did wanna meet up tomorrow to catch a movie or something
but I'm gonna have to give that a miss..
by the way,
dear sanjit sent me the photos he took for us a couple of weeks back
@ Orchard ..thank u cookie!!
I'm just gonna put my fave one up here..
hahaha..we look so bright & cheery
Arghh you can see my fats since I was happily slouching way down in my seat!!
Wednesday went by in the same old fashion ..
Life's so simple these days..I find myself barely bothering to think much..
It's funny how sometimes you crack your head thinking your problems are so complicated..
Yet when you relax and let things take their natural course..somehow things start solving themselves!
Of course this is my opinion..you don't have to agree with me hahah..but then,you could give it a try..right?
Well as I mentioned the day before,I went to the library to get some books and happened to come across these 2 books...which looked like local/asian publications..true enough they turned out to be horror stories written by a Malaysian writer...can't recall the name..one was simply titled,"Pontianak'' and the other was "Hantu" ...it had been a long time since I read this kinda stuff..so I thought what the hell..& borrowed the books.
I thought it was gonna be the same old random kinda books we have all come across before..short horror stories in somewhat bad English..but the first book I picked up was kinda interesting..
"Pontianak" actually was more like the writer's personal account of stories he had picked up from his friends over the years,and the cute part is..they even had survival tips & protection tips against these creatures of the night..the book may be titled ''Pontianak'' but besides it being the commonly feared..it went on to showcase the others,like the Hantu Raya,Pochong(Hantu Bungkus)& Jinns..the writer even provided some amusing tidbits about certain ghouls..I'm sure we wouldn't be laughing if we ever come face to face with one of the erm..creatures..but it certainly helped lighten the mood while reading!
Very interesting!
Yes..the English was not that fantastic,but it was passable & smooth to read..so for the first time in many nights I found myself staying up to flip page after page..to read about these very life like accounts..what I also liked about the book was the way the writer chose to tell his stories in a first person narrative..it made me wanna really keep listening to what else he had to say..
Well I'm sure some of you might be tsk tsking about the scattering of unholy names in this post..but c'mon lah..don't be so superstitious..it's always good to know what you're up against even if you don't necessarily wanna believe,right?
I wanted to post up some of the tips in here..but maybe I'll do that some other day..it's already past 1am and I wanna do more reading before it gets too late...erm..NOT THAT I'M SCARED ..I just wanna sleep early..hmph..
We will talk more about this topic..for those of you who are into this kinda stuff,I'm sure you'd find the tips useful,and for those of you who really don't believe in any of these creatures..that's perfectly fine..just remember..as long as there is good,there is evil..and evil takes on many,many forms.It would never hurt for one to be a little knowledgable in these things.
That's all for tonight darlings..
Au Revoir
Went down to the library today after such a long time
yeah..
*rolls eyes*
I had a fine of 6 bucks that I had to settle too
So I thought might as well get it done today..
Oh yeah before I forget..
IT'S MAY 6th TODAY!!
It's a very special day bcoz it's on this very day in 2006,that I met my wonderful cousin sis GLASHRYL for the first time..
sooooooo I just wanna say
HAPPY ANNIVERSARY GAL!!!
where's my present ahh?!!!
hahahaha..
it's a looooong story but it's one that we talk about sometimes..
Alot of stuff happened and I can honestly say our lives have never been the same since then..
hey hey..I meant that in a GOOD way ok..LoL
Furthermore May 6 2006 was also the first time I officially voted in a General Election..so it was a very exciting day for me..in the morning it was my first time voting,and in the afternoon,first time seeing Glash!!Of course..it was also the first time that I saw Aunty Shirley too after so many many years..and my only regret is that I wish we had all reunited a looong time back!!
Oh well..better late than never =)
It's been a strange day..
Have anyone of you ever felt completely suffocated..as in mentally?
Like nothing really happened,
and you're just aimlessly strolling through your days &
one fine day suddenly alot of thoughts suddenly scream for attention in your minds?
You panic & try to hit the refresh button but nothing happens and you
just try to escape from the crowds around you..
just to get more breathing space..
and to try to focus?
It happened to me today..
I was..quite literally content..
then suddenly,there was this blankness as I walked up & down the library aisles..
by the time I exited with my books there was this very
low vibe throbbing sensation in my head..
I was smsing Sanjit & he told me I needed to unwind..
That's when I was like..yeah..
I guess so..
I don't know why it happened..I'm better now but..I hope it doesn't happen again..
Coz I don't really know how to explain my thoughts to people around me..and I really feel like I'm headed for a complete meltdown at times..
Gosh..
I scare myself sometimes..honestly
After so much of negativity going around,it's heartwarming to know that there is still some good left in this world..and that there are people who really care about the welfare of strangers..
HANOI (AFP) - - Vietnamese toddler Phung Thien Nhan, not yet two years old, is a born survivor whose horrific story and cheeky smile have touched hearts and drawn offers of support from across the nation.
Many people here remember reading about Nhan in newspapers back in 2006 after he was abandoned after birth by his teenage mother in a remote and poor central mountain area.
Dumped outside the family shack and left to die, hidden under papaya leaves and bamboo, the newborn was mauled by a wild animal, most likely a dog, that chewed off his right leg and badly savaged his groin.
Villagers found the boy, his pale and bloodied body crawling with ants.
By the time he was taken by motorcycle to the nearest hospital, 72 hours had passed and yet, miraculously, the child survived.
Hospital staff amputated his leg at the hip and stabilised his condition, and visiting Buddhist monks named him Thien Nhan or "good person".
After two months local authorities, inexplicably, sent him back to his family, into the care of his grandparents.
The case disappeared from the news. Many people presumed the boy had died.
But Tran Mai Anh, a 35-year-old Hanoi journalist, couldn't stop thinking about Nhan, tormented at night by visions of what had become of him.
Her worst fears would turn out to be true.
When, after months of research, she tracked him down in December in his family hut, he was badly neglected, dirty, anaemic and suffering diarrhea.
She took him to a medical centre and, a month ago, adopted him, together with her husband and fellow journalist Phung Quang Nghinh.
They took him back to Hanoi, where Nhan was treated for free at the French-Vietnamese hospital.
VietCot, a German-funded charity, hand-crafted a prosthetic leg, urgently needed to stop further damage to Nhan's body -- the first of many that he will need as he grows.
His adoptive parents have contacted international hospitals about the plastic surgery and hormone therapy Nhan will need to lead a normal life.
News quickly spread in the media, on Internet forums and in offices.
Many hundreds emailed and visited the family house in Hanoi's Old Quarter, bringing toys, baby clothes and their own children to play with Nhan.
"Many people came just to have a look because they couldn't believe he was alive," said Mai Anh. "Everyone is offering to help. I didn't know there are so many good people.
"One old woman from the countryside came and insisted on giving us the little money she could spare. She wanted to see Nhan before her eye operation, in case something happened and she couldn't see him afterwards."
Friends set up an online diary at
http://www.help-thien-nhan.blogspot.com/ and an account for donations to help cover the child's surgery and therapy bills, expected to run into the tens of thousands of dollars.
At first Nhan hid in corners, cried and only slept sitting up.
"He ate bananas and cold rice, that's all he knew," said Mai Anh. "He didn't know what toys were, they were meaningless to him. We put him in front of the TV, but it seemed like the television set was invisible to him."
After a month with his new family, Nhan was cheerfully greeting visitors this week, playing with toys, and swaying on his new leg to the tune of his new big brother Minh, 8, playing the piano.
"His emotions still change, but he's so much happier," said Mai Anh. "Now he eats everything," she added with mock exasperation. "He's getting fat!"
Went to watch Ironman on Saturday with Mary,Debra & Sanjit..
It was all like a last minute sorta plan actually but somehow we managed to make it..
What can I say..NO REGRETS watching the movie at all!!
Like I said before,one of the main reasons I was hyped up about the film was coz Robert Downey Jr was gonna play the lead role of Ironman..and I still say now..he pulled it off superbly..
Such subtle expert acting..why..it doesn't even feel like he's acting at all..that's how natural he was..then again..its the notorious yet lovable RDJ we're talking about..hehehe..
We had a good time watching the movie,there were several hilarious moments in the movie..great visual effects..and great soundtrack of course..our only gripes were that we got one of the smallest halls in GV Yishun and the seats were so damn cramped..Sanjit,who had travelled all the way to catch the movie with us at Yishun was grumbling about it for a while..haha I don't blame him...next to us,Mary & Debz were in their own world,discussing the movie in hushed theatrical whispers..
After the movie,Mary & myself being the ever caring,and considerate Yishunites,made sure Debz & Sanjit got onto their respective cabs before we took a slow walk back to our block of flats..
So yeah Saturday night went on pretty much fine..simple but fun..
In the daytime..I was in a horrificly downcast mood..
I opened up my Photoshop and began doing all sorts of stuff..
I dunno why but I love photo manipulations..
Especially of myself..
Which is why you'd always find several of my photos in strange,almost dark like settings..
Others find them eerie...to me that is peace & comfort..
So on that moody Saturday morning I sat at the computer..
and after a whole lot of discarded ideas & stuff..
came up with this..
It took me 2hrs..not because it was super difficult or anything...nah..
it's because the photo that I had taken was somewhat of a cheery one..
A nice bright one,with lots of colours & sunlight..
It took me quite some time to decide to destroy the colours completely & after that the rest just came easily..for those of you who don't get it..its reallly OK..don't bother...
This is how I felt that day at that point of time,and this is the final result of my attempt to portray my feelings visually...
That's it.
Not TRYING to be daaaark,or gothic,or emo here,in fact I used some really pretty sparkles in here to enhance the beauty of the coldness...so yeah..I am never interested in what others think they MIGHT know of me..hahaha..coz the truth is..no one does..but don't ASSUME and TALK ok?The later part of the day I actually felt better coz I started to listen to the old MJ tracks that I loved so much back then as a teenager..and watching some of the videos,which I had watched as a lonely,anti-social, teenager..really..shook me out of my sombre mood..I remembered the days when nothing but music mattered to me..and it was all abt MJ..in fact it's bcoz of his diverse range of talents,that I actually branched out easily into the other genres of music..so MJ was pretty much the reason for my salvation on Saturday hahahaaha!
Sunday was pretty much uneventful..I woke up at 8.30am and I can't even recall what I did..I remember having a bit of breakfast then heading to the computer..I tell you..I have been on the computer for at least 12-15hrs each day without fail for the past 3 weels..it's really bad..but I just don't feel like talking much to anyone about anything..I'm hurt enough..I don't wanna be trying to force myself to act on top of all that..
Volunteered to prepare lunch while mum rested..then spent time doing the cleaning up,washing up etc etc..by the time I went to take a well deserved looong shower my body was aching..I was seriously tired from all the time I've spent at the computer,insufficient sleep,lack of appetite & nutrients..
Sigh..
After having said that..
tonight is the first night in many days that I'm still up at this time..
I dunno why..I'm tired but I just keep doing all this little,unnecessary things just to stall time..
it's almost 3am..
I think I shall go to bed now..
Hmm didn't hear from Twinny at all today..I do remember msging her though..
Arrghh!!
Don't you dare MIA on me now Twinny!!!
I will send the Gurkhas to comb your ulu Westside!!!
Au Revoir darlings...will I ever be happy again..I don't wanna wait anymore..there isn't enough time..I miss the old days..when we knew everything would be alright..why don't you understand?
I miss you
I went to bed at 8.30pm last night after my very depressing blog entry
I know I had smses & incoming calls but I was waaay too tired to fumble for the hp in the dark
Woke up bright and alert at 2am.
Since then been aimlessly wandering about the house,doing menial chores..
Watched Fright Night on HBO..
damn..those cheesy vampire movies of the 80s
hahhahaa..
Scrubbing my face and moisturizing THEN absent mindedly washing it AGAIN
argh!
Felt like the big guy up there in heaven was actually laughing at me when I did that.
Just like the time my friend bought me a can of Pepsi..
Thinking of God-knows-what..I absent mindedly pulled off the metal tab,walked to the rubbish bin,and coolly threw the whole can of Pepsi away..and stood there with just the metal tab on my finger...and went like..," Ermmmmmmm.."
I will never forget the expression on my pal's face.
Hahaa so yeah..
I wish I could just keep up this goofy outlook for the rest of today
I seriously toyed with the idea of visiting a shrink..
That's how preoccupied my mind has been lately.
Not to mention..the sudden repulsion towards food,the changes in sleeping pattern,and honestly just a general lack of interest in anything.
I feel like I have lost my spark,my fighting spirit.
I feel so utterly defeated
At this point of time I really would wanna mention in this post about someone special who has been hearing me out,and being frank in her opinions,no matter how hurtful they may sound..
my dear Twinny..I hate to be whining to you all the time..but seriously you're the only one who sorta knows what I'm going thru right now..I can't talk to anyone else but you..honestly I am lucky that I am still standing strong now,coz if not for you,I would have withered from the magnitude of the sudden isolation thrust upon me.
I have been strong before,but now..I don't want to be strong.If I'm strong..someone's gonna make me fall again and it's just too painful to keep trying again and again..I've been seriously doing that all the while..punishing myself for the mistakes others made..blaming myself.This time..I don't wanna push myself forward..I'm just so so so tired of all the hoping & waiting.
Twinny,all the same,thank you.
It means alot to me,to have someone to talk to.
The reason why I'm avoiding most of my friends,is bcoz no one knows what I'm going thru,and I don't wish to keep repeating my story,it just plain hurts..at the same time it's not easy for me to look at them so happy & cheerful and try to play act along.
With you I don't have to act & I can just be myself.
Though we are many years apart,I have never felt the age gap at all..there are many who only see your faults but fail to realize your strengths & perseverance..I want you to know that you are not only beautiful on the outside,your pure gold on the inside.In you,I find a likeness of myself,and I see the inner child in you as I do in myself.Yet,we are often misunderstood by others.
Thank you for coming into my life..I have lost alot..I pray that I will never lose such a good friend in my life,and I want you to know that no matter what happens,I will always be around for you..I will never say this to others again,but to you,I will.
Au Revoir
Maybe if our paths had never crossed,
we may not be this miserable today.
Then again..
If I could go back to the past & turn back time,
I know that I would still want to be with you
Even if I had to face all the darkness all over again.
How do I make you see
That you were the only sanity for me,in this mad,materialistic world?
The questions that were asked..
The tears that were shed..
Could you not see that it was all done for love,and nothing less?
There you stand,steadfast in your decision,
that you have done the rightful thing.
How do you have the heart to just crush me,kick me aside & move on?
You have hurt me to the very core with your chilling words.
I cried rivers & rivers for you
I may have asked you for a clue,but you gave me a sentence.
A death sentence.
Did I ever torture you?
Did I not listen to your words?
Have I never ever understood your darkness?
Have I ever pushed you away seeking greener pastures?
Now there's nothing left to be said
You have said all that there is to be said
How much more can I cry?
The game of love..I have never bothered with or understood at all
Now that I'm caught late in the game,I can't get out
Whatever you said,or did doesn't even matter anymore..
All that matters is the fact that you said,the love is gone.
I see you,sitting there smiling
There is nothing I can do now
For I am nothing in your life now
I dare not look into your eyes because I know that I would not look away.
Too many questions left unanswered.
I miss you so much,so much like never before.
I hate you for having the heart to hurt me so badly
Then again I love you more than anything else in the entire world
For all the emotions that I have..
I know you now, have none for me.
That's what's killing me slowly.
You have given up hope,people around me have given up hope
All the hope I'm keeping inside is now turning toxic,
poisoning my soul
Still I hold on.
Coz no matter what you say,
no matter what you WANT to think,
no matter how much you despise me,
You know in your hearts of hearts..
That I would never ever stop loving you
NEVER
This is me,Patricia
