Yes yes yes
Its been a bloody long time
I have been trying to avoid coming in here
My luck continues to be bad..
What the hell is with April anyways?
Everytime I console myself that things couldn't get any worse,
wham!bam!
shit happens rite?
I know I know..but how much can a person endure in a freaking month..
week in week out??
See,this was why I didn't wanna come in here..
I have nothing but bad news,worse news..and rotten news
The latest has to be the worst ever and mind you..
Though I grumble in here..I can't even begin to explain to you guys
how miserable I feel.
I don't wanna go into details..
Let's just say there is this special person
Someone who came into your life,and made that difference
The person is so close to you,you practically know his habits & mannerisms
Along the way,there are squabbles..fights..cold wars even.
Somehow these negativities do not linger on for long..and before long life is always merry again.
Then comes..this f**king April..
Which seems to have brought out the worst in not only me,but
many around me..
When there is again a little squabble with this special friend..
This time though..the squabble grows out of proportion
Heated words are exchanged..each trying to provoke the other
You know what they say abt heated words uttered in haste and all that?
Yeah I felt bad later and I did try to apologize..
Yes even though I had recieved harsh words too,I felt that it was my fault to have started it in the first place when I should have just kept my itchy mouth shut!
The apology wasn't accepted and that made me annoyed.
The misunderstanding continued...
Through the days I kept waiting for that familiar sense of relief when one has when problems are settled..but all I had in me were very,very bad gut feelings.
I tried..after a while..to swallow my pride and go on and talk as if nothing had happened.
It disturbed me though..that the issue had never been settled..
Sometimes..when my confusion got the worst of me..I'd try to ask him
Each and every time I'd be met with a cold reception.
There were many nights this month that I went to bed tired & upset..
but this problem was like my worst nightmare..
I felt that my closeness with this person was crumbling beneath my shaky hands..
As usual..my mind..already filled with so much from other issues..was not at rest
There were times when I thought I would go crazy from thinking & thinking and not having anyone to confide my fears to..
Then the final straw came when I had an argument at home over some trivial issue..it triggered off all the stress,and anger & confusion that I had already been surpressing under a smile for so long..I broke down and cried and cried.It seemed that I would never be able to stop.
That night I typed out one of the longest messages ever to my friend..
asking him to please,please put a closure to this.
I was upset and made myself totally cold & numb the next day..
The only normal thing I did was to go to church..
Besides that I was out..
When I finally did see the reply to my message..
Honestly..I think my heart literally shattered.
It's like..it shattered and the pieces were made of some nasty sharp stuff which just pierced right thru my entire soul.
As I read the message the waterworks started again.
I was so so so so so upset..
I had in fact,asked for a closure ON THE ISSUE WE FOUGHT ABOUT.
However,my friend..had put a closure on US.
In all anger & sadness..I wrote a reply several times..only to erase it all and start over again..
I had to maintain my pride..how much could I give in ?
I don't even wanna continue talking abt this now..
Yesterday..my friend..who had been so kind and caring to me since day 1..
no matter how much I annoyed him..scolded me as if I was a criminal..
I never got any replies to the questions I asked..
Just the same old phrases again and again..
Anyway this is what I'm going thru right now..
I can't forget this thing..so easily..
I am a person who keeps buddies close to my heart..
and for someone who was more than a buddy to me..
I really respected & cherished him alot.
Yet..now in his eyes I'm seen as some blemish.
It hurts me deeply.
What can I do?
The only thing that's holding me back from seeing him face to face is my pride.
I have had enough of crying but I know that with this person..
out of my life..the dark times have only just begun.
I'm sorry if I have yet to reply to emails,messages,smses,calls.
Glash..i guess after reading this you know what im going thru..im sorry gal..
over the weekend I wasn't myself..i did not even realise so many ppl were calling me..anyways i didn't wanna talk abt my sad stuff and make you bored gal..so well..at least here u have a choice whether u wanna read or not...hahah
Twinny..I been so upset that I did not even blog about the wonderful time we had at your crib last Friday!It was fun meeting with the whole family..too bad the time flew by so fast!!!
Well at least now I know what to get for you guys next time..
PASTRIES,COOKIES,CHOCS!!
too bad im on my stupid diet.
Twinny thanks for being there,though you have so much of stress..you never fail to lend a listening ear..thank you..
Its almost 5am..I'm back to my old bad habits again..I just can't seem to focus my mind is so sapped of energy..all I want is to be like before..I'm so f**king miserable ya'll!!!
This is me,Patricia